Self-Loathing

I am ungrateful. I know this, and I hate it. I know because I do not have any desire to help my mother in anything, and when she asks, I feel annoyed. I know people who are ungrateful, and I see them as such. I view them with contempt, as if they do not understand what they have been given. I know what I have been given. I have been given parents who love me, a family who supports me, and the means to live the dream life of a teen. And yet I am ungrateful. My parents are throwing a graduation party for me, and I'm throwing a fit because I don't really want one (I dont like being the center of attention). My mother used up an entire week of vacation to fix up our kitchen, and everytime I think of how much effort she put into it, I am sickened that I could have gone out with my friends instead of helping her. I know I could have been a huge help, but I hate the fact that I never offered (except half-heartedly) to help. Even worse, I know I would do it again. How in the hell can I say that and not feel like shit? Well, I do whenever I think about it. I do not respect her, but she is the one who provides me with all the freedom I have. I see how my dad helps out my grandma at every turn and wonder if I am missing that gene. I actually know why I'm like this, but damn, why can I not overcome it?

I'm not going to say don't comment on this one, but as no one can really help me on this one, dont feel compelled to comment if you dont want to.